Introspectating.

So, I think I’ve grown up some more...
A recent scare and confrontation with reality left me feeling like a dismantled house after a major hurricane. Now I feel like I’ve suddenly woken up after a long nap and I’ve come to realise, it feels really fucking great to be awake. With metaphorically fresher eyes, I am seeing everything with a little more clarity, and for the first time in 6 months I don’t abhor the real world. In fact, I actually kind of enjoy being a part of it.
For quite some time I'd been rejecting my innate ambitious nature which had been my impetus for so long.It had been replaced with a penchant for a culture which allured me more than the future. A culture that ultimately shouted profanities at a future I once couldn't take my eyes off. I somehow managed to develop another facet of my being, feeling less like one entity and more like two souls caught in the snare of one shell. The Hedonist and the Hopeful were always colliding head to head. I soon lost sight of the ambitious driven character I'd once donned and instead enjoyed the dizzying heights of self destruction.

Yet in recent weeks I grasped at the Hopeful who remembered she exists. After setting my heart on something, succeeding and focusing my mind on the minutiae that contributes to the greater scheme of life. With projects in mind, a clear brain and a freshness in the air I actually want tomorrow to begin, rather than today to never end.

After recent achievements, someone (who has perhaps been unaware of my exquisite intemperance) said, ‘you’ll always believe that you can do anything, until you’re proved wrong’. It was said in a pseudo-complimentary way yet meant with a condescending undertone, but if nothing else I hope that I will be remembered for not believing in the dominating concept that an ‘impossible’ even exists.
I’m not claiming to be a changed girl, with a clear head and a healthy attitude. I’m just excited at the prospect of remembering how it feels to be motivated and crave success. I’m sure both parts of me will continue to co-inhabit this shell we’re stuck inside of for a little while longer. But it’s enlivening to see an old friend and whilst the Hopeful has a fleeting moment of victory I’m going to enjoy being under the mastery of the real world.